This week in the small group I lead I prayed for moments of grace in our lives this week. And in the hectic season of midterms I longed with all my heart that God would show up in this prayer request. I not only desired these moments of grace for my small group girls that I lead but I so desperately wanted them for myself. This week was long. I’ve woken up before 8 to study every day and sometimes it feels like my research is directionless (even though I know it won’t be). I needed it to make it through the week.
And today, my last day of midterms, was just one of those days that I needed a hug from my mom more than most days. If you know me you know that physical touch is not even one of my top love languages but I just needed a genuine hug. I was unusually anxious and antsy to just get the day over with and board my flight home. Naturally, I called my sister, Martha, to talk with her and get my mind off of the anxiety. I told her I was excited to see her and hug her and I just really needed a hug. I had tried to keep my voice down while I talked on the phone with Martha but I guess I didn’t do too great of a job. No shocker here, I’m not known to be soft spoken. But what I didn’t realize is that my professor had overheard my conversation. And as I was studying she walked into the room I was in and said “I’m coming to give you a hug.” And I can go on and on about how great my professors are and how great this certain professor is but honestly just look at my twitter to learn more about my love of art history (ha). But this was the moment of grace that I had prayed for. And this simple act meant so much.
A question I get a lot as someone who has struggled with anxiety for most of her life is “what can I do to help you when you're anxious?” I’ve always struggled with this question because I just simply cannot say a certain thing. If I could tell you what to do when I’m anxious then I probably would be able to fix it myself. But today I realized something important. That when I am anxious, I need someone to care. I need someone to care not about what they can do or what I can do but I just need someone to care about me as a person.
And that’s the thing. My professor doesn't have to care about me as a person. That's not in her job description. And I’ve had professors and teachers that haven’t cared about anything other than my work as a student. I’ve had a professor tell me that I “need to work on my anxiety” when I opened up to them about why I’ve missed class. This isn’t a new thing – a substitute teacher told me in first grade that I worked too slow and accused me of trying to waste time by working slower than the other students in my class. That one sentence that she said to me 14 years ago has been in the back of my mind ever since. And I carry this into my academics, I carry the thought that my professors do not care about me as a person, but only me as a student. And that’s not fair. It’s not fair to myself to assume that my professors don’t care about me, but it is especially not fair to my professors who do care about me. And today, God knew exactly what I needed. And my moment of grace didn’t get rid of anything I had to do nor take anything off my plate but it did teach me an important lesson.
While we're on the topic of moments of grace, I do believe that it is not entirely off topic to mention that I had an anxiety free plane ride home and sat next to someone who wasn't chatty (praise God)
