And every tear will be wiped away

Death. 

The only thing we are guaranteed, yet the one thing that few are ready for. 

In our hearts we know this is not how it should be. We know that people should not die young, but that we are meant to grow up and live full lives. We know that life and death are not things to be taken lightly. But do we really?

I can tell you that there was a time in my life that I wanted to be dead more than I wanted to be alive. And by the grace of God I no longer feel that way. But that's not the point. This isn't about me. I am alive, heart beating, lungs breathing, eyes shimmering with wonder. My problems seem trivial in the face of death. This isn't about me. 

This is about the 21 year old boy who is no longer with us, about the many people of color who no longer feel safe leaving their homes because of death threats, about the teenagers who go to bed praying that they won't wake up in the morning. This is about the people who are no longer living.

Now we have these conversations. These conversations about about race and mental illness and life and death. When we should have been having them far before this moment. And so we mourn. We mourn because we live in a fallen world and bad things happen. We mourn because even though Jesus conquered death once and for all, it still hurts. And we question how there can be good in things so terrible, where is God's graceful hand in all of this?

"For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,

and he will guide them to springs of living water,

and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

(Revelation 7:17, emphasis added)

A day will come where sadness will be no more and every bad thing will be made good. There will come a day when this all makes sense. But until then it won't make sense, and it shouldn't. Because quite frankly this world is just messed up. I pray that I may never become apathetic towards death. Just because you don't know the person affected doesn't mean you shouldn't care. It seems almost every few weeks there is something else in the news saying that someone (or several people) have died. I pray that this never ceases to move me to compassion and action. Denial is getting us nowhere. We need to be talking about race. We need to be talking about mental health. Not just after someone dies. Right now. 

And so we pray. We pray for healing, for reconciliation, for love, for community. We pray for the day when this will all make sense. We pray until He comes. 

hope in the suffering

when I decided to go on antidepressants, I thought it would be a quick fix.

I thought that my anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder would be gone just like that.

I thought that this small blue pill could cure me of something I've dealt with for over 12 years. 

but, I was wrong. 

nothing humans make can fix us. 

only God can. 

I confidently believe that there will be a day where pain and suffering is no more. someday I will not have to deal with mental illness at all, but today is not that day. so in the meantime I have learned and am learning to lean on God in my times of anxiety and weakness. with anxiety there will always be good days and bad days, and I'm learning to look to God at all times, at my highest and my lowest. to thank Him for my joy and to surrender to Him when I am faced with situations and emotions that I cannot handle on my own. 

I know that God has the ability to cure me of anxiety and that is how I know that He has a purpose in this suffering. suffering is a symptom of being human. everyone has experienced suffering at sometime in their life, even Jesus experienced it during His time on earth. suffering unites us. I used to pray to God that He would cure me of my anxiety, I just wanted to be "normal" (whatever that means..). I've now shifted to praising God for everything, even the bad. I am thankful that I can relate to other people who have anxiety and maybe even lead them to Christ someday. I'm not saying that there aren't days where I want to be free from my anxiety, I have plenty of those. today in particular, I have felt the hold of anxiety on my life. debilitating panic attacks are not fun, in case you didn't know. 

sometimes I am overwhelmed by the pain on this earth and I can often feel physical pain well up in my chest. it is so easy to look around at all of the bad things happening in this earth and think that hope is a lost cause. but it's not. good has already won, God has already won. and in the end evil will be defeated once and for all. 

"and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (philippians 4:7 ESV)

let the peace that surpasses all understanding comfort you today, and everyday. it really is the best. 

undeserved love

sometimes it just hits me. how undeserving I am. 

I have a God who loves me unconditionally. no matter what I do I cannot mess up bad enough for him to turn His back on me. I am flawed, flawed beyond belief. I mess up several times each day. yet He still loves me more than I could even imagine. 

and what do I do in response to this love? 

go to church once a week?

sing songs?

complain about bad things that happen to me?

try not to swear?

man, oh man am I undeserving of this love. wow. for the majority of my life I have reacted to His love in the ways listed above, and honestly some days I still do. it took me 17 years to fully understand that the only thing I have to do to receive God's love is accept it. I don't have to earn it just accept it. and He loves me regardless of what I have done, am doing, or will do. what a promise. is there anything better?

let me just repeat that for you:

God loves you.

unconditionally.

He knows everything about you.

and He still loves you. 

yes, even though He knows your darkest secrets. 

He still loves you.

and you don't have to do anything to earn this love.

all you have to do is accept it. 

so how am I planning on receiving His love better this year? well, I'm trying to work on getting better at centering my life around it. number one though, is to tell everyone about His love. really all everyone wants is to be loved, right? well I just want everyone to know and experience God's love! another thing that I am trying to do is read the whole bible this year, it's a lot of reading, but I think it's for a worthy cause. speaking of bibles, I want to give at least one bible a month to someone who needs it. family christian bookstore has new testament bibles for only two dollars. TWO dollars. that's crazy stuff people. so this year I'm going to buy tons of bibles and give them to people. probably the strangest of things that I am trying to do this year is to not buy a single item of clothing for myself this entire year. I have really felt God calling me to give up shopping for clothes since I already have a closet full of clothes when so many people around the world are surviving with only one or two outfits total. I can't tell you the number of people who have laughed at me when I told them my idea to not buy any clothes for all of 2015, but it's okay because my h8rs r my motiv8rs. 

okay I think I'm going crazy because I've spent the last 36 hours in bed due to a cold and am now doing cringey abbreviations in this blog post but 2 corinthians 4:16-17 is getting me through it. there is no suffering in heaven!!